Everything have changed since I wrote in this blog. It's strange how two years can change someone so much. As I read my past blogs, I realized how I've changed my perspectives on life. There is much more to life than relationships, music, self-pity, and everything else that I've mentioned here. It's funny how every time I came across a life-changing moment in my life, I rediscovered this blog. It's also funny how I rediscovered my true, inner-self at strange times.

It's also funny how a recent graduate of pre-med student did not know what 'Lupus' is. I was diagnosed by this disease about 4 months ago, in which changed my life forever. I felt the most excruciating pain but on the other hand, very grateful. I realized that most people are not aware that this disease is present at all. It changed my whole perspective on my life and my future.

I came across great trouble to be where I am today but I am exteremely grateful for what I've done and gone through. As many people said, "what does not kill you, only makes you stronger." Honestly I just recently discover the real meaning of this statement.

Don't waste your time on unnecessary things. Do not take things for granted. Each second is a gift from God. Find your true compassion in life and work hard to achieve whatever compassion you have. Although it might sound "hard" or "unobtainable" at least you've tried and the road to achieve that dream will be more satisfying than not trying at all.

Cut The Act. Stop bullshitting and start showing some actions. 

YOU MAKE ME SICK!

I've come to a thoughtful conclusion today. Instead of jealousy and anger, I became to feel pity. Why? Let's see why.
You are rich but you think you're poor because you are never satisfied with current condition. I am poor but I think I am rich because I know what it feels like to be poor.
I used to have constant and violent fights with my mother but I follow what she says and loves her way too much . You never have fights with your mother, in fact, she's a great mother but you hide things from her even when you love her.
 I look calm and strong but I am weak and panic-y. You are very outspoken but you are calm in handling problems.
But what I pity the most is..... I  gave my love and have that taken away from me twice, but at least I've experienced and understood love. I gave my best. You think you know love because you've had many relationships, preach about it, told someone off from forbidden "love" but you engaged in one of those forbidden "love." You've experienced love but clearly you do not understand love.
Why did I quote "love" because pure love is never forbidden. Those that are forbidden are lust not love. As God loves us, it is not forbidden it's pure. If you understand love, then you wouldn't have the guts to act on this forbidden lust and prepare yourself to take the consequences. Even when you have to end it quickly, you won't be able to enjoy one bit of this forbidden lust. You won't even dare to see your significant other get hurt or has a drop of tear in her eyes because of your wrongdoings. You believe it is unfair to end it with her now, but still act unjustly towards your significant other not being able to promise not to take further actions. You couldn't even do that.
You hated a leader before because he had engaged in this lust. You were disgusted by his actions.  O what hipocricy. The same goes for her. She's older than me but she hasn't understand one bit of what it feels like to really be a girl. As she's blown away by words and presence, she didn't realize this was just temporary and it is impossible to continue a lust that is wrong in the first place. She didn't respect me enough to put a stop at all this when she knows it's killing me. I respect her, I give her time. I didn't blow up at her, when actually I could and in fact, have the right to.I never said she's never sad by all this, she probably is but that's the consequences she has to take for acting upon it. For saying things that will trigger more wrongdoings. As a younger female, I myself, would not act upon this kind of lust because I understand love. Because even a thought of another person other than my significant other put me in a guilty state. I wouldn't dare to watch him hurt or cry because of me. I wouldn't want him to be ashamed.
 O what pity, to not understand love. Out of all people, I've never expected this to be you. However darling, since we are so different we meant to be together. We complement each other too perfect. You asked for a reason, I just gave you a whole bunch. Just some that I can think of at the moment but there are many more. No matter what, I'll fight for it because we are just meant to be. I pity the both of you because till now they haven't understand love. My feelings are numb just like when I cut my flesh I couldn't feel anything anymore because my feelings were already really painful that the pain in my body is gone. Just like that, I can not feel anything anymore but pity. Hurry back darling, so we can complement each other once more and I'll stop this pity.

what a battle I had last night. A battle I have to fight for 3 months. Every night it's going to be sleepless and painful. The scar in my skin will fade, but the scar in my heart stays. Sure thing, forgiving is easy especially when you have overflowing joy and relief but forgetting is a different story. You always hear these things happen, but when it happens to you somehow you're denying it. Every dream I had is the same thing. About him, him, and him and I have to wake up every hour! Also the painful body organs! Can somebody see this? I'm slowly eating myself alive! What pity. I thought when I've done something wrong I should correct it right, regardless of the consequences I have to take. It's my responsibility. Oh God, help me through the battling nights. Help me through work, school, family, myself, boyfriend. Help me through all these for I want to be the best for every one. That eventually every one will see the true, shining me! Even before I know God, I knew myself well. But as far as I'm concerned, it's a little different now. I just re-discover myself again. I've done something wrong. I haven't been me. When I fully recovered to being myself, please take me back. 

why every new smile? because every new smile I will have in the future is because of Him. what weird feeling surpasses me today. somehow, I can manage to smile. I have a peace unlike the other days. I found the truth that's why. I found that my God is real, that He's speaking to me like the first time I fell in love Him. I wish everyone can feel like I feel. I feel the love that I've never found. Some hollow feeling that's been in me for the longest time. It's no wonder every message I hear is all just to "LISTEN."  I have a heart of overflowing joy that some people don't have and it comes at a weird time.

It's funny how the second time this "thing" happen doesn't hurt that much. I don't care if anyone ever reads this anymore. It's only for my own enjoyment to be able to speak up the deepest feeling that I can't tell anyone. For my entire life, I've been searching for something that I'm blinded by the greatest love of all. I'm so amazed and can not even find the right word to explain my feelings He's given me. When I thought the provider of my greatest love had passed away, I was completely wrong.

Sure thing I still desire to cut the flesh. I want to do it more than EVER. I've been hurting too it's just that I never manage to tell anyone about my pain. I've told him if he opens up to other people and not to me, he'll get some one hurt. In fact not one, but three! Amazing. I missed my past  like crazy. I choose not to go back and go crazy. Every little thing makes me go crazy, hurts my heart more that made me wants to stab it even more! The physical pain doesn't help either. I would practically wrestle with myself just to avoid the pain. Some pain that won't go away. Some pain that pierced my internal organs. The more painful it is the more I want to hurt it more. When you try to hurt me, it won't work cuz I know which part would be the most painful and satisfying for me. So don't even try.

wow as I looked back at the last blog I posted, I've changed a lot. How? Let's see... that was 3 days before my beloved grandmother passed away. to tell you the truth, I still haven't got over the grief and for sure her memories will forever stays in my heart. I tried to make myself busy with stuff going on around me and it seems to be working but I need to work on it more.

Anyways, the point is... yes, I write about my weaknesses, frustrations, and maybe extreme emotions here, but somehow I realized that I was selfish and I wasn't  grateful at all. I should be grateful for what I have. I should be grateful that I've known such a wonderful grandmother that I can look up too and be a part of my life for. I should be grateful for my family. Friends. Boyfriend. School. Work. Home. In fact, everything.

I should try to have a different perspective in life. I shouldn't focus on myself or even what I'm facing. I would be completely worn out if I do that. Life is full of mystery but the only thing I can do is focus on GOD. Source of answer, life, joy, and everything that I have.

why can a simple question be answered by a simple answer? sometimes when you try to do the right thing, nature will disagree. I'm kinda sad that I haven't written in this so called "blog" for a long time because when I write in it, I look back at past "blogs" I've written and reflect on it. However, I don't think it's necessary to make it public so all my friends can see it. I keep this to myself. When I feel that no one can understand or sometimes I don't even understand myself, on what to do on certain situations I write in these. This so called "blog" is full of my frustrations and weakness. why would I want to publish this so that everyone can see that through me?

I hate complicated people. where is the love these days? why would people even accuse me of all these wrong doings when I'm not even doing anything wrong? Is it because that I've done so many things that are just so wrong in the past? But i thought the past is the past, and we shall move on to the future? I guess not. People will remember your mistakes, but they do not rememberthe good things that you've done. Once you've made one simple mistake, it seems that all the nice things you've done for all these times vanished.

I just want to be respected for my actions, love, and behavior. Why can't any one gives me that? You want to know everything about my life, then why won't you share yours?

Funny how stuff happens at the same time. what good words to put inside my head. "Perfection through silence." I wonder if the things that people sacrifice for are actually going to be worth it at the end. you are not lonely when you are alone. you feel lonely the most when there are tons of people around you but you are in your own perfect world. what funny things i've found today. so funny that i can laugh and cry about it at the same time.

funny how you sacrifice so much for some things and somehow that  "little thing" still appears.

every day, i still see fake people. until this day, i still can't stand it.

It's been a crazy year. I can't believe it's almost over but i'm hoping for it to end at the same time. I have gone through so much this year and hoping to find the answer for all.

"I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."
for some reason, this song has a special meaning. even when it sounds depressing or the whole lyrics alone are suicidal, it means something to me. I guess I can relate to this song that's why. People come and go but only special ones stay.

I learned so much in this past year. My professor said today, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." It means a lot to me too. I got struck by these words. At the end, it all depends on you, what your choices are and what you're going to do with it.

Yup what a crazy year it has been. Separation, sadness, frustration, laughter, extreme depression, tired, fights, love, hate, separation, friends, family, life, the past, and of course at the end we all find out that we're living in this MAD WORLD and the crazy things that we have to go through.