why every new smile? because every new smile I will have in the future is because of Him. what weird feeling surpasses me today. somehow, I can manage to smile. I have a peace unlike the other days. I found the truth that's why. I found that my God is real, that He's speaking to me like the first time I fell in love Him. I wish everyone can feel like I feel. I feel the love that I've never found. Some hollow feeling that's been in me for the longest time. It's no wonder every message I hear is all just to "LISTEN."  I have a heart of overflowing joy that some people don't have and it comes at a weird time.

It's funny how the second time this "thing" happen doesn't hurt that much. I don't care if anyone ever reads this anymore. It's only for my own enjoyment to be able to speak up the deepest feeling that I can't tell anyone. For my entire life, I've been searching for something that I'm blinded by the greatest love of all. I'm so amazed and can not even find the right word to explain my feelings He's given me. When I thought the provider of my greatest love had passed away, I was completely wrong.

Sure thing I still desire to cut the flesh. I want to do it more than EVER. I've been hurting too it's just that I never manage to tell anyone about my pain. I've told him if he opens up to other people and not to me, he'll get some one hurt. In fact not one, but three! Amazing. I missed my past  like crazy. I choose not to go back and go crazy. Every little thing makes me go crazy, hurts my heart more that made me wants to stab it even more! The physical pain doesn't help either. I would practically wrestle with myself just to avoid the pain. Some pain that won't go away. Some pain that pierced my internal organs. The more painful it is the more I want to hurt it more. When you try to hurt me, it won't work cuz I know which part would be the most painful and satisfying for me. So don't even try.